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William's Blog “Givers” compared with “Takers”
William's Blog “Givers” compared with “Takers” | “Givers” compared with “Takers” |
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One thing that I have noticed whilst coaching people, whether it be business coaching or career coaching is that in business and in life there is a spectrum of behaviour based on “Givers” at one end and “Takers” at the other. There are quite a number of ways that you can tell the difference and it is amazing how much clicks into place once you can sort out who are G’s and who are T’s. By the way most coaches, therapists and counsellors have a high amount of “G’s” in them and that is one of the reason why their prices are so low. As you might expect nobody realises that they are “G’s” which means they are probably OverGiving or UnderTaking because they have been doing it all their lives and to them it is just them. The fact is that it is a habit that they have got into being a “G” over time. Initially when they were young they started giving to maybe stop bullying, stop being picked on, to get friends. They gave sweets, homework, bike rides, lent toys, made things, maybe even gave pocket money, almost anything to gain protection, acceptance, friendship and so started a giving process. Now all this is lost in the mists of time and today they don’t know they are doing it. Now as an adult it is part of their makeup, their behaviour, their traits and not necessarily getting them what they want or need out of life. Even so they keep on doing it, as habit is a very strong thing to change.
The interesting thing is that both “G’s” and “T” tend to have had some hard knocks in their lives and what makes a “G” rather than a “T” is their sensitivity and the work ethic that they learnt from their parents or the society that they grew up in – see two other articles of mine on Sensitivity http://www.coachinginsight.co.uk/content/view/404/56/ and http://www.coachinginsight.co.uk/content/view/386/56/ . The more the sensitive the individual is to others the more the possibility of them turning into a “G”. On the other side of the coin the less sensitive person to other people’s feelings or the harder the person will tend to go down the “T” route.
Sometimes a “T” is someone who was been given everything in exchange for love or affection by a parent who was missing or working or both and therefore the imprint of receiving or taking is imprinted on the person as a “right” whatever the situation. Thus although they were never bullied or deprived directly they were indirectly. This by the way is often where “passive aggressive” behaviour often starts.
“T’s” can be identified by having a tendency to throw their toys out of the pram, as in the past all they had to do to get what they wanted was throw a tantrum. Later on in life this “taking” is often described as “ego centred” as the individual becomes very concerned with getting what they can get for themselves. This behaviour in adult life is often found in those who have a high opinion of themselves, need large offices, large desk, big important car, expensive holidays, big house, pictures on the wall of being with well known people. The physical signs tend to be scowling, frowning eyebrows and lack of warmth and smiles. Those people with “crow’s feet” creases at the side of the eyes are rarely “T’s”
“Givers” at the other end of the spectrum have a tendency to have been brought up in an environment where something was missing. The missing could have been non-acceptance or rejection by peers, family or teachers of something that made them stand apart from everyone else. Thus the “Giving” strategy as a child is created from protecting oneself from being bullied due to size, not being good at sport, or some other difference like religion, skin colour or culture. It could also have been a heavy work ethic environment, where work was part of family life. This culminates in the individual creating a learnt coping strategy of needing to give – sweets, homework, toys, and information. This “Giver” behaviour will be become stronger and stronger as time moves on.
The challenge for “Givers” in life and business is that they give stuff away, which seems to attract “Takers” like iron filings to a magnet. This giving covers food, paying for drink, giving lifts, lending clothes, giving up personal time like volunteering on committees and putting oneself out as far as life is concerned. In business it involves giving away too much product for free, giving away lots of information sometimes even very valuable contacts that have taken a long time to gather, prices that are too low, salaries and bonuses that are too high for the work provided and too many perks like holidays for small changes in behaviour or small orders. The aspect of “Giving” can be disguised in business by many different behaviours but with all of them giving the individual some form of “gratification”. In this particular situation the “Giver” is hoping to be seen as “good” and it often ahs its roots in the past and could be seen as a sort of mild emotional hijack – see my blog on this subject to explain what I mean http://www.coachinginsight.co.uk/content/view/401/56/
Whatever the background of the individual, the trick is to maintain a satisfactory balance between giving and taking. Easier said than done I hear you say but “Level 5” people from the book “Good to Great” achieve it easily by being knowledgeable and humble.
Examples of “Giver” and “Taker” behavioural spectrum in business:
©William Barron
Coaching Insight
September 6th 2008
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